Taking down the Monteleones: The Carnival Masquarade

[Arc]

This is my second story, set just after the first. It continues to develop Jane and Kate as well as introduce a new team and an organized villain


Taking down the Monteleones: The Carnival Masquarade


Classified location, the Organization’s headquarters


The slim and short man was walking nervously around the top floor office, adjusting his tie. Finally, the door opened. “Madam director” “Albert, how many times did I tell you that boss is fine?” answered the redhead who had just entered the room “you are right boss, still I can’t get used to it. If director Urosevich was called anything else than sir” “I’m not Ivan and besides I don’t think you’ve called me with such a haste just to address how I should be addressed” “You are right boss, a new contract came in. I think you should see it for yourself”

Having said that the man turned on the flat screen right in front of them. On the screen were two pictures: one was a middle-aged man dressed in what looked like a designer suit “McDonald, the oil magnate” “Yes boss” “And this is Carlo Monteleone” said Kate, pointing at the second picture: an old man, dressed in clothes that were at least three decades out of fashion

“You are correct as always Boss, that’s Monteleone, the mafia boss. Our client is an important member of the Italian magistrature, I believe you know him" “Of course I know Tommaso. It’s not the first time we worked together” “Yes boss, he believes to have reliable information on a meeting between the two” “And what does an oil magnate seek from a mafia boss” “Protection mostly.

I believe you are already familiar with one of Carlo’s sons, Michele.” “Of course, I put him in prison” “Well, this is Luca. He heads the family’s operation in America” “So McDonald wants protection from him” “Yes, and take out the competition. They are meeting in Venice for the carnival. Our client wants to have a registration of the meeting and if possible, photos of the contract they are going to sign” “Since when do mafia men sign contracts” “It was MacDonald’s idea” “I imagine” “
Well boss, was I right to phone you?” “Of course you were. Tell LaVille to brief me and the Newbie on this mission” “So you will continue...” “Yes, Albert I will.
And don’t worry I will tell her. Eventually. Oh, and one last thing. Add to the mission and have briefed team 2309” “O’Gallagan’s girls? Johnson won’t be happy. They are his best team” “I know. If they weren’t good, I wouldn’t have asked for them. Now get to work” “Yes boss, on it” .And as the woman exited her own office, he dialled on the internal intercom a number and said: ”TS 298? This is the director’s office. I have some orders for you…”




Station of Venice Mestre, Italy, Carnival of 20//


“You know boss, I’ve always wondered what it looked like working for the Rail Service” “Well Newbie, now you have your chance. It’s not like these two miss it.” As she said that Kate looked towards the two tied and almost naked women. At 27 and 30 respectively, the two women, one with curly black hairs , Roberta, and a brunette, Letizia, were part of the Italian Rail Service, but right now had something else in their mind then coming in late for work. The fact that they currently were wearing their blue (for Roberta) and white (for Letizia) matching underwear and that the two same women who had tied them hands and foot and gagged them with some tape were currently also wearing their uniforms was probably it.
Said uniform consisted in matching black pants and jacket, a blue shirt, a foulard with the Service’s colours and a little hat with the logo on it. “You know boss, the more I look at them the more I think I can sense emotions: they are angry at us” “You know Newbie, in another life you could have been a psychologist. You do have a talent” less amused by Jane’s joke were the two real train workers, who looked at them with some even more angry stares. “Well, sorry girls, but we have a train to catch” said Kate, as the two operatives exited the closet closing the door behind them. “Boss, you know that it’s us who start the train” “Of course Newbie. You are very talented regarding the replacing and impersonating parts of our job, but if you are so rigid-minded, you will never master theme one-liners”.
Jane looked at Kate smiling, and then answered “of course Boss, but I will never be as good as you. By the way, do you think that the other team has our targets?” “Of course, they do Newbie. O’Gallagan’s is one of the best operatives in the entire organization, and I don’t really envy all of the unfortunate girls who find themselves to be her subordinates and prove anything less than excellent” “I’m sure of that boss” said Jane, then stopping herself and flashing her best smile as they approached a guard’s booth. A smile that was seen by no one as the guard was more interested in his phone than in actually guarding the station “go right ahead girls, platform 4. The train is all yours.”
“So boss, are you sure that they have them” “Of course they have Newbie, and now put up your best ticket checker impression” “I thought I got to be the machinist” “It’s the Venetian carnival Newbie. This train exists because there are too many tourists in Mestre who wants to see it, and they cannot all fit in the regular trains. Do you think that I want to spend the entire trip trying to check the tickets of everyone on board?" “Of course not boss but...” “I’m glad we understand each other. Now prepare yourself. Once the train start try to find O’Gallagan . And remember, do not engage our targets unless it’s for checking their tickets”



Almost consequently, Mestre Train Station, Ladies bathroom



“Well Stuarts” said the tall red-headed woman “Do you see them?” “Yes boss, I see them. They sure stick out like a sore thumb. “Said the pale blonde woman “Well Stuart, we could really say the same about us, and think that I joined this organization because I thought it was about avoiding being seen” said a black woman from withing the restroom “Well Brown, sometimes to not be seen you must stick out” said the redhead, O’Gallagan “I suppose you are right boss. After all, we do are at a carnival”
Brown was referring of course at how she, along with her rest of her team were dressed. O’Gallagan’s was dressed in a cowboy sheriff outfit: cowboy hat, chequered shirt, blue Jeans, brown boots and a brown gilet with a golden “sheriff” star pinned. Because you can’t have cowboys without Indians, Stuart and Brown were of course dressed like two squaws: a brown poncho, brown pantyhose and brown sneakers. And, of course, two feathers each. The two remaining members of the team, operatives Mendoza and Clemenceau, respectively a brunette and a raven-haired woman, were dressed as two Arabic dancers, with emerald green pantaloons, tops, veils and shoes, and were currently busy making sure that the real owners of the costumes would not complain.
The two were finishing tying up with tape the two beautiful Arabian university exchange students, Aisha and Zara, who had befittingly decided to dress up as dancers. Aisha and Zara who, left only in their Burgundy and light green panties were currently seated next to their friends and course mates, Croatian blonde Lea, the sheriff, who was now tied up in only her navy-blue underwear, and the two black haired Indians, the Portuguese Luisa and Margueritas, who were now just in their white and grey undergarments.

“Well, you are right boss” said Stuart, “that’s why these three are sticking out”. Stuart was referring of course to the nervous young man in a suit and his two bodyguards and definitely-not-mafia-members who were shadowing him at his every move. By how they dressed they certainly stood up in the sea of tourists dressed either very informally or in carnival costumes. “Remind me again why MacDonald’s secretary is going by train with sensible documents in his bag and in company of two of Monteleone’s foot soldiers boss” said Clemenceau, as she finished taping Aisha’s ankles. “Well Clemenceau, if you had actually listened during the briefing, you’ll know that it was because neither McDonald nor Monteleone trust each other to let the men carrying the documents travel in non-neutral means of transportation” said O’Gallagan. “Besides, it was these trains or some evenly packed ferryboats, so it makes sense for them to…” “Boss they are on the move. As expected, they are going on the train at platform 4” said Brown “Very well girls, it’s show time. And don’t embarrass me in front of Buchannan will you”


Outside of Venice Train Station later, a short but very packed train trip later,


“Well, the trip went fine, did it not Newbie?” “Yes, boss but it’s very easy for you to say that. You haven’t been trying to check the tickets of a train full of tourists.” “I didn’t know you knew how to drive a train Newbie” “I rest my case. By the way, I made contact with O’Gallagan’s team.” “And what do you think” “That she does not look that scary dressed like a cowboy” “Well you would be wrong Newbie. She is as scary as two times how you think she is”

Still trying to figure out if Kate was serious or not, Jane was interrupted by her boss “Newbie, now that the other team is following the targets we really do need to find some dresses than do not make us seem like we are trying to fine them for lack of ticket, so what do you suggest” “Well, boss, we do are in Venice, and this is the Carnival” said Jane, pointing to two women dressed in typical venetian carnival clothes, dresses with matching shoes, white silk gloves and of course the white-golden masks, one clad all in cream yellow and one all in turquois. “Good thinking. Now, let’s ask for some photos”

“Hello ladies” said Jane, in an Italian which was
surprisingly clean, (“our language schools really do miracles” thought Kate “It was a good idea to give them more founds") talking to turquois and gold, or better yet Maria and Lucia, a dark brown-haired woman and a blonde woman “As you can see, we are currently on duty, but it doesn’t mean than we don’t want a photo with two girls in costume” “We are willing to pay” said Kate, in the same accent less Italian.

The two women gladly agreed to take a photo, even if they were a bit surprised with the location chosen (Nothing screams Venice like a little Calle safe from prying eyes” had told them Jane). When it was time to take the photos, they were even more surprised when Kate told them “On second thought, I think we should try directly the costumes Newbie” but they really didn’t have the time to express that surprise as two quick almost simultaneous neck chops rendered them unconscious.
Soon, the two were completely naked safe for their white matching underwear, as the two operatives had decided to also take the two’s white stockings and culottes, (because, like Kate loved to repeat, “The devil’s in detail Newbie”), and were tied hand and foot as well as taped with some duct tape .
“Well Newbie, time to reach our friends” said Kate as she touched her left hear, activating the earpiece that kept the two teams in contact “Of course Boss” answered Jane, still adjusting her mask.


Venice Grand Hotel “The Doge”, sometime later


“There you are Buchannan, the three haven’t left the building, I have three of my girls on the lookout at the other doors” said O’Gallagan with the clear desire to finish it as soon as possible. “I trust you will be able to handle it” “Of course O’Gallagan, I’ll take care of the rest. I’ve already got an idea. By the way, do you mind lending me blondie other there?” “Stuart? Of course, just get it done. I can’t wait to get out of these ridiculous clothes”
While their two bosses were talking, the two other operatives were also talking together “You know Mary, it’s very nice to finally get to know someone from work well. Don’t get me wrong I like my team leader but she…” “Tell me, Newbie” “Well you can be harsh boss” “That’s right Newbie. But that’s because I have to teach you important lessons.
Another lesson, never lose sight of your surroundings. You were risking to miss a very big opportunity.”
And as she was saying that she pointed to the two operatives two women. “You know Emma, this luggage is very heavy. We should have taken a taxi” Emma really wanted to tell her boss that it was her who wanted to “see the city up close”, that the poor maid was the one carrying heavy luggages, that a designer bag is not a luggage and that there are no taxis in Venice, only boat taxis.
But it would have been wasted breath, and would probably also have rendered her jobless. After all, Mistress Laraya had always got what she wanted. The rich and beautiful Indian heiress was currently dressed in one of her favourite dresses, a light blue designer dress and matching open toed shoes. The poor Emma could have also been called beautiful if she wasn’t submerged by her mistress’ heavy luggages, her pink-pantsuit clad body almost completely out of sight. As soon as Jane saw the two, she understood. Following Kate’s lead, she got close to the two women.
“Look Emma, two venetian dames! I must get a photo with them!” “Of course, ma’am, please follow us away from all of these people and we’ll gladly pose with you!” said Jane with a radiant smile “What do you think of doing it in a real venetian calle, so authentic right!” said an equally radiant Kate.


Urghh…


Mph…


“Well, this takes care of that, Newbie. Now it’s time for you to become an heiress and for your newfound girlfriend to play maid” said Kate, as Jane and Stuart started stripping the two women.
Not long after, Laraya and Emma were laying down in the alley, tied up and gagged with tape, dressed only in their red (Laraya) and Pink (Emma) bras and panties. “Now Newbie, get inside and tell the receptionist that you are Laraya Shaan and are there for your room” “But I don’t look like her boss” “That’s why you should take her out. How do you think I’m going to follow your every move?” Of course, boss”

“Hello miss” said Jane, smiling to the dark brown-haired woman, whose name tag read “Adele”. “What can I help you with ma’am” said the receptionist, dressed in a black pantsuit and white turtleneck. “I’ve got a room reservation under the name Laraya Shaan” . As the woman looked at her with surprise, Jane answered “Hey, I was adopted”.
Before the receptionist could say anything else however Stuart took her out and knocked her unconscious. “Good work Jane!” “Well, you did the heavy lifting Mary” “Could you please exchange pleasantries sometime else?” said Kate “Sure boss” answered the two, Stuart out of habit. “Very well, now let me change into something more appropriate for a receptionist.
Soon, Adele was stripped down to her grey underwear and was left tied up under the desk. Now dressed as the receptionist, Kate started searching the computer for the room where the three men were. “Ah, room 106. And, what a coincidence, room 105 is empty. Newbie, Stuart, get up to “your” room and put up the listening device” Kate was referring to the portable piece of listening equipment that Stuart was carrying with her “On it boss”


Room 105, The Doge Luxury Hotel, Venice, soon after


“Well Sarah” said Jane, looking at the luxury apartment “And they say that our job doesn’t reward us enough. I’ll take this as a reward anytime” “While I agree with you Jane, I’ll start putting up the equipment. Don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see O’Gallagan angry” “Very good point” . After that, the two put up the listening device and turned it on. Immediately, each team member could hear in her earpiece what was happening in the room.
“Yes, don Carlo” was saying one of the two sicarios in Italian “The contract is here with us “Something indistinguishable over the phone “ “Yes, don Carlo, we will reach as soon as we can and leave the contract here” “Another undistinguishable answer” “As you command. We’ll leave a copy here in case McDonald’s gets cold feet” “Undistinguishable” “Of course. My respects don Carlo, we will head to the party with Mr Scott as soon as possible”
The sicario then put the phone down. “Mr Scott, we are to leave for the party where the meeting will take place” said the other mafioso “Well, can’t say that I don’t look forward to it. Have you seen the queen of the party? My boss has good taste” “With all due respect to you boss I’ve seen the queen of the party but I can’t say that I envy her. A drink with your boss doesn’t really sound that impressive” “Well, that’s because a drink usually leads to a show of appreciation by my boss,” said Scott.
The room fell silent for a moment, and then Scott said “You know, I could really use a drink” “Of course Mr Scott, I’ll call room service”.
The feed to the room cut from Jane’s ears, replaced with Kate’s voice “Newbie, this is our chance. Remember that pill I told you to keep safe?” Of course, boss, I still have it” “It contains a tracking chip. Extremely small, thanks to our research department. If you were to put it in their drink…” “The capsule would melt and one of them will drink the chip without realizing” “And we will be able to follow them way more easily. They’ve asked for some champagne. I’m sending them a maid. You know what to do” “Yes boss”
“So, what are you going to do?” asked Stuart “Well Sarah, until now I’ve played mistress. Now it’s time to play maid.

Lan, at 20 years of age, could actually consider herself pretty lucky. Born to poor Vietnamese farmers, the pretty young woman had menaged to obtain a work permit, and was currently working for one of the most prestigious hotels in all of Italy. Dressed in a uniform consisting of a short black dress with the hotel’s logo trimmed on the left breast, a white apron, nude pantyhose and black flat tops, she was quite happy with her position.
While the work was sometimes hard, she was paid very well and had also time for going to night school. After all, Lan wasn’t thinking of remaining a maid for the rest of her life. “So, room 106, almost there” said Lan to herself, pushing the little service cart on which there were three glasses of ice-cold champagne, the most expensive the hotel had “Don’t worry, you won’t have to reach it” said an unknown voice from behind.
Before she could react, she was grabbed from behind and in no time, she was unconscious in suite 105’s master bedroom, tied up and gagged in only her white underwear, and Jane was finishing tying the apron. Making a nod to Stuart to watch her back, she then got out of the suite and grabbed the cart. “Luckily” she thought “This hotel is cheap enough to deliver the wine already in glasses and not with the bottle” Having said that, she put the capsule she had been carrying in one of the glasses. The wine absorbed it in no time. “Here goes nothing”


Half an hour later, The Doge Hotel

“Good work Newbie, you had them fooled” “Thanks boss” “Now, I have another task for you. Remember the queen of the party the three were talking about?” “Yes boss” “And do you still have that minicamera I gave you” “Of course boss” “And do you know that the same queen of the party who will share a drink with MacDonald is staying in this hotel? The same hotel you are currently dressed as a maid of?” “I think I know where you are going boss. In which room is she?” “Very good Newbie, she is in suite 98. Don’t worry about the contract, Stuart is on it”

Knock-knock “Yes” “Room service ma’am” the beautiful model, already dressed in her party costume, got up from the bed where she was sitting and opened the door” “I haven’t ordered any room service” said the 24 year old, named Johanna, the ash blonde Dutch model who was chosen as “queen of the party” “Well” said Jane “Even if you haven’t ordered it, believe me I’m doing you a favour. I wouldn’t want to spend my evening with MacDonald for all of the money in the world”
She then proceeded to knock out the poor model before she could even realize what was going on and entered the room, closing the door behind her. After putting the model on the king sized bed, she started looking at the costume she was wearing: it was very similar to the ones she and Kate had been wearing not long ago, except that it was entirely gold coloured, and she would have bet that all of the trimmings and decorations on the shoes, dress and gloves were probably in real gold.
After stripping her, she left her in only her black underwear, taped her wrists, ankles and mouth and then carried her to the bathroom, where she left her along with the maid uniform. Now dressed as the queen of the party, she had just the time to tidy up her hair and put on the mask when she heard a knock, followed by a male voice asking “Ms Hartmann, I’m your boat driver. Are you ready to head for the party?”
Putting up her best voice imitation of Johanna, she answered “Of course, I’m coming!”


Meanwhile, Venice city centre,

“Do we still have them Georgina” “Of course we do Hanna” “Yeah Hanna, we have put a tracking chip on them” Walking in one of Venice’s narrow streets were operatives Mendoza, Brown and Clemenceau, still dressed in the carnival costumes they had stolen from the exchange students, shadowing every move that the three men were making in the main street to their right.
“By the way” said Brown “I really think that we should find something more inconspicuous, in particular if we are to shadow the targets” “You are right Georgina” answered Clemenceau “We really do need some clothes that would allow us to go in the main street they are walking without them realizing that two dancers and a native American are following them at their every move” “Something like that?” asked Mendoza, nodding towards the three girls who were walking towards them” “Oh yes Hanna"
Mendoza was talking about the uniform that Rebecca, Beatrice and Giulia were currently wearing. The three young university students were currently dressed in black boots, dark blue trousers, long-sleeved button up shirt and dark blue wind jacket with the words “volunteer” in Italian. The three, a curly redheaded woman and two brunettes, were working as volunteers for the city, helping the city council menage the thousands of tourists that were in the city and needed directions and to be redirected if an area was too crowded. The pay was good, and for some penniless university students it can be more than enough. Currently, Beatrice was listening to the portable radio they all had with them “They need help in Saint Mark’s square. Too many tourists” said the girl in Italian, and was probably going to add something else but the three saw the operatives looking at them
“Do you need any help?” asked Rebecca, in English “Are you lost” “Oh we are not lost but you do can help us” said Brown, looking first at the three and then at a trash bin nearby.
After some quick, muffled struggle and some equally quick stripping, tying and dressing, the operatives were finishing putting on their new uniforms: Brown was busy tying up one of the boots that used to belong to Rebecca, Clemenceau was zipping up Beatrice’s wind jacket and Mendoza, dressed like Giulia, was closing the lid of the bin were the three real volunteers were. The three were only clad in their bras and panties: matching white for Beatrice, matching Blue for Rebecca and matching Red for Giulia.
“Well girls” said Brown “Time to go. We haven’t lost them, have we” “Of course not” answered Clemenceau “I have them”


One of the many venetian canals, 19.00


Her voice muffled to the boat driver by the engine, Jane made contact with her boss “Boss, we are almost there, but first can I ask you a question” “Of course Newbie” answered Kate “Are you assigning me the most important disguises, the ones that involve contact with the targets, only because you are in competition with O’Gallagan?” “No Jane, and you must understand that it is not that reason at all. It’s because I know you, and I trust you. Am I clear” “Of course boss, I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought…” “Yeah, I understand, I’ll tell you a secret: all of the competition that you seem to pick up between me and Patricia is just a façade dating back when we were operatives together. Real rivalries are not a good thing in our line of business, Newbie”
After that, the boat stopped, and a man dressed with the white uniform of a XVII century servant gave her a hand to get out of the boat and proceeded to show her to the party. “Show time” she thought to herself.

An alley just outside of the Palace where the party is taking Place, 19:30

Sofia, 24, Elena, 25 and Viktoria, 27, had had the luck to be hired as maids for the Party that was two take place in the palace nearby. The three eastern Europeans, Sofia and Elena Rumanians, Viktoria Bulgarian, should have been dressed in the white uniform that was given to them: some sort of “revisitation” of a maid’s uniform, with a white gold short and figure hugging white-gold dress, a little apron and an equally little maid’s cap, as well as a pair of high heeled white shoes. But, as a matter of fact, the three were currently dressed in only their white underwear, and were tied and gagged, as well as unconscious.
“Ready Stuart?” “Yes boss” “And you, Buchannan?” “Don’t worry about me O’Gallagan. Where are your girls?” “They are currently watching the house. Are you sure that the Newbie can handle it?” “I’m very sure of that” “Well then, I’ll be waiting for mission control to tell us that they receive the video of the meeting loud and clear” “Of course they will” “Well then why are we dressed as maids in order to support her?” “If something goes wrong” “Will something go wrong? “No O’Gallagan, and now let’s get inside before these three wake up, shall we” said Kate, referring to the three real maid, who were clearly going to wake up very soon.

The Carnival Party, 22:30

“You know Johanna, the more we talk the more I feel like we are made for one another” “I feel that too Robert, the more you talk the more I feel like I’m falling in love” said Jane out loud and then, in her mind, “with the idea of you going to jail”
The oil magnate was about to say something when his secretary got next to him and said: “I’m afraid that it’s time for the business meeting, our possible partner doesn’t want to be kept waiting sir” “Of course Mr. Scott, I’ll say goodbye to my companion and I’ll join you”
The secretary returned to the office and, as McDonald was about to say his farewell, Jane said emphatically: “Words are not enough, let me dismiss you properly” After that, she hugged him, and by doing so she placed and activated the minicamera. “Oh Johanna, I’m really, really starting to like you”.
At the other side of the room, Kate, as Stuart was giving a very drunk man more champagne, looked at her protegee with approval in her eyes. At the same time, the voice of Supervisor LaVille resounded in her and O’Gallagan’s earpiece: “This is mission control, we have a feed. Loud and clear” “Roger, mission control” said Kate, and then to O’Gallagan “What did I tell you” “I’ll wait for the meeting to start. Maybe the mafia men will find it” “Don’t be so negative, have more trust” “I’m not neg...”
The discussion was again cut by LaVille “Congratulation ladies, we are currently seeing the meeting take place and recording it. You can pull out your teams” As Kate looked at O’Gallagan with a “I told you so look”, the Irishwoman thought to herself “Nice to see that our director is still the operatives I met a long time ago” .
She then barked: “Girls, mission complete, disengage as soon as possible and regroup at the safehouse.


The Organization’s Venice Safehouse, sometime later

Kate looked around her: Jane was currently busy telling war stories with O’Gallagan’s team. O’Gallagan proper was busy writing her report to her supervisor, Johnson. As she exited the room, she told her protegee “Newbie, don’t let them impress you!”, gave an acknowledgment nod to O’Gallagan and headed for a secure room.

Her smartphone rang, once again. “Albert” “Boss” “What do you think?” “I think that it’s impossible to keep you out of the field so I’ve stopped trying. And that you’ve done a very good job” “Thanks. For both of the compliments” “So are you going to keep working like this?” “Yes Albert. I have a new director to groom” “Well that’ splendid, because LaVille has a new job for you. He doesn’t have a clue, does he? Should I tell him…” “No, don’t. I wouldn’t want to humiliate him. When I joined, he was my supervisor. Now I’m director…” “And he is still supervisor. Well, if that’s the case head back to headquarters. And, have you told her yet?” “I haven’t Albert, but I will. After all, my new position is known only to you, some of my closest friends and the board of directors and departments managers. But I’ll tell her. She is earning it.”
“I know you will boss. I suppose I’ll see you soon” “Sooner than you think Albert. And as soon as a big job comes out, I want to be informed” “Yes ma’am” “What did I tell you Albert…”


The end




As always, all kind of feedback is appreciated!

[simon4242]

hi sorry too many uniform steals it doesnt flow like stormtroopers ,as well as you go into the scene after the uniform steals maybe do less uniform steals and more detail,there were something like 20 uniform steals and it felt rushed,,,maybe split the stories into 2 parts i cannot praise storm trooper enough it might be worth looking at how he sets out a story he brings the characters to life especially the victims that you care what happens to them he even does excellent epilogues stating how the non lethal victims were found ..be it a police report,newspaper report etc another question are the organization good or bad as they seem to be knocking out so many victims/innocents without somebody noticing especially the police are the victims compensated ,another point if they are a good organization they would probably be a bit more competent and not go through so many uniform steals to get to their target ,at the moment it seems implausible even for fiction ...

[Arc]

hi sorry too many uniform steals it doesnt flow like stormtroopers ,as well as you go into the scene after the uniform steals maybe do less uniform steals and more detail,there were something like 20 uniform steals and it felt rushed

Hello Simon,
Thanks for your feedback. I'm sorry that you think that my story is rushed.

However, I would like you to understand that I'm not as good as Stormtrooper: I just cannot go into that level of detail. However, I still enjoy writing somewhat longer and more complicated stories, so I'm afraid that it’s impossible for me to just write stories as detailed as Stormtrooper.

Beside that, I'm not Stormtrooper. It’s not possibile for one of my stories to feel like Stormtrooper 's because I'm not him, even if I really appreciate all of the support he has given me writing these stories.

Regarding the fact that some uniform stealing scenes happen after the takedown, it’s just a way of starting the story "in medias res" (with the story already happening), simply because if we were to start from the start I would actually have to describe how they got there, the mission briefing... I think that for me it’s better to have the first steal be already happened, but I agree that it would also be best to have a little scene before maybe detailing in brief what happened.

Regarding the too many steals I don’t know what to tell you, it’s the first time I've heard someone complain about that on the board. Still, I plan to alternate longer stories with shorter stories, so the next one won’t have that many.

Again I'm sorry that you feel that my story is rushed. It took quite some time to write it and Stormtrooper had reviewed it for me, and he seemed to like it. However, if you think that it’s rushed because it’s not as detailed as one of Stormtrooper's stories, I’m afraid that’s because I simply cannot write that detailed of stories.

Still, it was good to recheive your feedback, I assure that I'll try to better myself on the problems that you have underlined, but sadly the level of detail is just outside of my abilities.

[simon4242]

fair enough my apologies in terms of the organization are the victims compensated and why havent the police investigated yet

[pc305435632]

I think the key is "the plausibility of the story,"
Whether it was necessary to obtain uniforms from the victim (whether lethal or non-lethal).
For example, if you take a train or plane, maybe you can just pay for a ticket like a normal person, instead of pretending to be a flight attendant.
If you're impersonating a flight attendant, you have to have a good reason (like being wanted and not being able to show identification).
If you can pay large sums of money to bribe police officers and witnesses, why not use the money to make a uniform? And the customized uniform will fit better than the stolen uniform.

Actually, I have an idea.
Write a story like "The Elder Scrolls", in a world like that where killing people for clothes is normal.

[simon4242]

pc this is what i am trying to fathom are victims being compensated or told it is necessary for the good guys to steal their uniforms

[pc305435632]

Whether fatal or non-fatal, taking a woman down and removing her uniform is a criminal offense. So if you're going to write a story like this, you have to come up with a reason that makes it "reasonable."

For example, the heroine is already a criminal, even if she does it to escape from prison.

For example, the heroine is a soldier and the victim is the enemy.

For example, the story takes place in a very special period, such as World War II or the Cold War, in the face of "national interests", "individuals" are easily sacrificed.

For example, the heroine is a character like the Joker in "Batman" who kills people and gets naked just for fun.

[simon4242]

spot on

[pc305435632]

pc this is what i am trying to fathom are victims being compensated or told it is necessary for the good guys to steal their uniforms

No, no, no, what I mean is that you can pay a tailor to make a uniform, which is much cheaper than knocking out a flight attendant and bribing her.
If you choose to stun or kill a flight attendant to get her uniform, then you should have a good reason.
For example, you don't care about crime because you're a criminal.
Or you're an agent, and this stewardess's death doesn't affect you.

[simon4242]

fair enuff