“How are things down on the Estate?” The Controller looked up from his desk to study WPC Noriko and WPC Tove who were standing before him in a crude attempt to perform the ‘attention’ position.
“It has been very orderly and quiet lately; the Goffnicks have obviously paid heed to the clear advice and guidance which I gave them on my last visit” Noriko claimed proudly, straightening her back and puffing out her chess. (see Noriko: Flying Tigress, Flashing Panties)
“Yes, I heard about your ‘advice and guidance’. It seemed to have gone down rather well with most people on the Estate who want to live normal lives. Of course, we had to deal with a few complaints from the usual whinging do-gooders and I had to tell them where to go. Anyway, we’ve got an urgent operation come up and you two have been volunteered to deal with it.”
“We shall do our best, Commander-San” Noriko assured him, knowing perfectly well that that the only reason they had been ‘volunteered’ must be because everyone else found an excuse to be doing something else.
Excellent, that’s the spirit! You’ve both been on the Hostage Negotiation course, haven’t you?”
Tove and Noriko looked at each other in bewilderment. “Er – no, we haven’t. We submitted applications to attend the course about a month ago, but we’ve heard nothing since”
Puzzled, the Commander turned to the big pile of paperwork which slumbered in a tray on his desk. He flicked his way through a collection of tea stained, dog-eared documents which seemed to resist his attempt to disturb their rest. Eventually, he pulled the wad of paper out of the tray and spread it on the table before him. He found a likely looking document and looked at it, mumbling to himself as he read: ‘Course Application’. The document had been carefully completed by the applicant, in triplicate. The Commander continued to read until he was brought to a halt by a section headed ‘closing date for applications’. “Ah. Umm, we seem to have missed the closing date…”
Tove nudged Noriko who was just about to offer a few candid observations about Senior Officers who are about as much use as a wet bog roll.
“No matter, we can work round this” assured the Commander with confidence if not conviction. “It’s simple common sense, really: just go in, show them who’s boss, overawe them with the power of your presence and personality and…Well, that’s all there’s to it, really: simple. It’ll look good on your record, too.”
Tove and Noriko were utterly unconvinced. They had heard too much BS from their Commander on previous occasions to be taken in this time. “Shouldn’t we know what it’s all about?” ventured Noriko “You haven’t told us yet.”
“I was just about to come to that,” the Commander growled, irritated by Noriko’s implied suggestion that he was, indeed, somewhat less than perfect. “a couple of anarchist types have taken over the headquarters’ office of a financial institution and they’ve seized a couple of hostages. It’s not clear what they actually want yet. Probably world peace, I suppose, or perhaps they just want their money back. Anyway, that’s where you come in. Go and have chat with them and see what you come up with. Good luck!”
Noriko and Tove stepped out of the police van and made their way towards the offices where the hostages were being held. The heavy entrance door was opened from within and a hand clutching a gun emerged. “Watcha want?”
“We are police officers” Tove began “and we have come to find out what the problem is.” she explained in the least quivering voice she could muster.
“Really? I thought you had come to clean the windows.” A disembodied female voice retorted from inside the building. “Get inside.”
“Get inside”
Tove and Noriko were ushered at gunpoint along a corridor and into a plush executive office. Standing with their hands behind their heads, looking absolutely terrified, were the two female hostages. They were dressed in expensive business suits; well, actually they would have been but someone had clearly taken their skirts. Sitting on the edge of an executive desk, swinging his leg, one of the protestors was making an intense telephone call. He glanced up at the new arrivals.
“Have you told them what we want?”
“Not yet”
“Then enlighten them, sister!”
“Yes, brother.” Turning to Noriko and Tove, she began a rant which seemed to cover everything and anything and was utterly unintelligible. At the end of this diatribe she straightened her back and announced “At a democratically convened plenary meeting of the Toilers and Strivers United Liberation Front it was agreed that we should make the following non-negotiable demands, to be complied with before the hostages will be released.” And with that, the protestor picked up a sheet of closely typed paper and began to recite a long list of requirements.
It wasn’t long before Tove and Noriko began to shuffle with embarrassment while the two hostage executives were looking decidedly uncomfortable, turning bright red as the import of the protestors’ demands began to sink in.
“What do you think we should do, Noriko?” Tove whispered out of the side of her mouth. “Well, the Commander is expecting us to bring this hostage situation to a successful conclusion; we had better comply, I suppose” Noriko replied, a tone of resignation in her voice.
“But there are loads of cameras outside, not to mention our colleagues and…”
“We have got to uphold the dignity and reputation of the Force” Tove pointed out.
“Exactly!” Noriko triumphantly announced “Let’s go for it!”
“Another assignment crowned with success” sneered the Controller.
“Thank you, Controller San” Noriko responded, pretending she hadn’t picked up the obvious note of sarcasm in his voice “We released the hostages and …” The Controller glared at her with a well-practiced stare which indicated that he would brook no dumb insolence. Noriko prudently stopped talking. “Ending up looking as though you have been playing ‘Rent a Cops’ at an energetic stag party can hardly be counted as a success” snarled the Controller.
“Of course not, sir” Tove replied contritely.
The Controller picked up today’s copy of a popular tabloid more noted for pictures of pretty girls than for printing the truth. “Look at this!” he said, gesturing at the front page headlines: ‘Glamourous Heroine Cops strip off to release hostages’ they salaciously announce above a photograph of Tove and Noriko emerging from the bank. ‘See inside for full story and more pictures.’ The Controller feverishly continues his study into the latest adventure of his hapless WPCs and thumbs his way into the paper to reach the promised pictures. He holds the paper up again. Two inside pages are covered with pictures of Tove, Noriko and the two bank executives after their release. ‘Listen to this’ the Controller cries with a note of growing excitement in his voice ‘Melody Thyghes, our fashion correspondent, writes: Juliet Laybacque, a Corporate Director of a well-known financial institution is seen emerging almost naked from the bank, attired in high heeled shoes and a pair of knickers made by the exclusive designer Charbaut as part of his Nuitfolie range. A rather elegant garment in ivory with delicate lace edges. They must have cost a fortune, but what is that to Miss Laybacque, who ‘earns’ a seven figure salary? It appears the robber has spent some time decorating Miss Laybacque’s naked body with political slogans and drawings before she was released.’ Then it goes on to describe her colleague, Assistant Executive Director Claudia Phelteo and what she was wearing, which wasn’t very much apparently. And then we come to you two. ‘The two heroic cops were pushed out of the bank still wearing some of their uniforms. Their hands were cuffed behind their backs so they were unable to cover themselves, but they maintained an air of calm dignity which was quite impressive. Both cops were wearing sensible, white cotton knickers of a type which are available in most high street stores: robust, hard wearing and very practical for the active woman; the type of garment which prudently would be worn by a first year undergraduate anticipating being the target of a ritual welcoming debagglng at the Student Union hop’. Melody Thyghes assures the reader. The article concludes: ‘The two glamourous cops made their way to a waiting police van where they were warmly embraced by their welcoming colleagues before their cuffs were removed.’ The Controller slammed the newspaper on his desk in feigned disgust.
‘So you see, Commander san, we kept our knickers on this time.’ Noriko announced proudly.
‘I’m sure it will be noticed and commented upon throughout the force’ the Commander said through gritted teeth before breaking into a smile ‘But you did well: you brought the drama to a successful conclusion; for that we should be grateful. A pity that the villains escaped, though: everyone seems to have been too distracted by sexy underwear to have kept a close eye on them’.
After the WPCs were dismissed the Commander returned to his desk, opened a drawer and retrieved a pair of scissors. ‘Now, which pages were the pictures on?’ he muttered to himself as he opened the newspaper to clip out the images from the siege.