Ghazan: Pilot Episode

[meditions142]

So sorry for my delay in posting. Have been away from the Board for a bit. I know you said you wanted comments. Now that I have had a chance to read it, I wanted to say thank you so much for this new story line. I definitely enjoyed the world building and if you are still willing to move forward with more stories I for one encourage it.

What was so fun about it for me was you introduce us to fun and amazing new ways to subdue the victims. First off, Aisha's power is amazing. The scene with Ummu is wonderful. I love the idea of Zaïde first trying to seduce her. When that fails she convinces Aisha to use her amazing power.

The effect is amazing. I love how you describe it. First off, it works really fast. As soon as Aisha take her hand and releases her power, the woman is immediately overcome. Love the description: "The guard froze. Suddenly, she felt all her senses being dulled. A wave of pleasure. 'Ooooooh… Aaaaaah…' she moaned. "Please don’t scream and stay still." Aisha instructed her. The guard smiled blissfully. 'I… Unh… uhhhh…'"

Your description is so perfect too. "Aisha was overflowing her target’s mind with pleasurable sensations. Technically, her power wasn’t mind-control. But her victims were feeling such bliss that it was hard for them to refuse her suggestions. Usually, they were too overflown with sensations to think of fighting back or of calling for help anyway. Their thinking process was numbed – as if they were drunk." Love the idea of Aisha's power not being able to knock a woman out but instead overwhelm a woman's mind with such pleasure, and apparently given Aisha's reasoning for not liking to use the power, a good bit of arousal too.

I love how the guard is so enthralled by the sensations that Aisha's power is making her feel that she barely even notices or reacts as Zaïde walks behind her and injects her in the neck. Then a very sexy description of Ummu going out. "She kept on letting out small moans and incoherent words. Then, suddenly, her body went limp and slumped into Zaïde’s arms, who caught her mid-fall under the shoulders. Aisha stopped using her power and let go of the bodyguard’s hand. The woman’s eyelids closed and her head lolled to one side, as she fell deeply asleep. Her breathing was soft and steady. On her lips, there was still a blissful smile." Then love Aisha's little protest “You could have knocked her out from the start with one of your combat techniques. It would have been quicker.”

I have to wonder, will Umma remember anything about what happened, and what she was feeling, when she wakes up?

The other wonderful new item you add is the jezails and the Ghazanite magic-infused crystals they use. Love the idea of the crystals releasing an energy projectile and, if it is the blue kind and the hit is just right the energy will knock the target out.

We get to see it first used on the sentry. First off, I always love scenes like that one where a sentry is standing guard and she is totally unaware that she is being watched and there are intruders having a discussion about the plans to take her out.

We then get the wonderful description of the way the sentry freezes, staggers a bit and then collapses. At is fun to image watching it from afar. However, then we get to see the effect close up on the redheaded aristocrat. "The redhead’s mouth was still open, but no shout of help came out. Her eyes were staring vacantly. Her body briefly staggered, then she let out a long moan, and fell forward into Rasha’s arms." So clearly the energy projectile does take a little time to work. Albeit the woman is certainly fully under its effect until she loses consciousness.

So I have to wonder how the energy projectiles work. Does the energy short circuit the woman's nervous system? Does the energy make the woman's brain shut down, putting her to sleep? Something else?

I also have to wonder what the woman experiences before she passes out? Is it bit painful? Does she still have conscious thoughts about what is happening to her?

Love that new tool. So cool.

While the story had plenty of cool new things there were some good old classics. We get Ingrid getting a neck chop to that one special spot on her neck.

I also really liked the scene with the blonde haired servant girl. Love the idea of Aisha grabbing her and overpowering her. Then love the idea of Zaïde shhh'ing her and then injecting the helpless woman in the neck with the sleep drug. Then love the sexy pass out "The servant’s eyes widened. She let out a muffled peep. Then her eyes rolled back, and her body became limp in Aisha’s arms."

The take out of the two guards was then great as well. Fun quick action scene. A good old pan to the head to knock the one woman out followed an injection for the other woman.

I did enjoy that the one guard kept her uniform. Interesting too that they put the clothed guard in the basket with the servant. It was probably because she was smaller but at the same time it made it a bit less intimate since she was clothed as opposed to two underwear clad women shoved in together.

I also really liked the scene with Rasha and the novice. While we don't see it, I love the idea of her using sleep potion on the girl. And love the idea that even though the girl was going to stay asleep for a very long time Rasha still tied her up because it kind of turned her on. And somehow I love the image of dragging her body over to the wardrobe to hide her.

Thank you again for this amazing story. Really. really enjoyed it.

[simon4242]

i know what you are saying rufus but even the best can be brought down a peg or two makes it more i interesting

[rufusluciusivan]

To simon: What I mean is that if (again, no spoilers here) if it happens, it won't happen randomly during some random event - and certainly not quickly. It can only happen during a climactic moment, in a way that's meaningful for their character arc. There wouldn't be any interest to have it happen too soon. Take any classic Disney villain. They act despicably from beginning to end, and yet we'd feel a bit disappointed if they got their comeuppance after only twenty minutes of movie. Take Safiye from the previous Pakal saga. From the start, she was conceived to be a despicable character - she's greedy, she's a backstabber, she gloats several times to an other woman's face that she'll be turned into a breeding slave (i.e. raped), and even her moral boundaries were meant to show she's a hypocrite (she doesn't kill; she leaves them stranded in arid places with no food, water or clothes, but she doesn't kill). And yet, she only got her comeuppance during the next-to-last arc. Because it was the best moment - she meets her demise right after a rousing success, at the hand of the woman whose life she ruined, and in a way reminiscent of her own methods.

To meditions: Given the pace at which I was uploading these parts, I wasn't expecting people to comment after every single one of them. The pilot was already fully written when I started to upload. I simply didn't have the time (and motivation) to post more text at once.

I confess the detail of Aisha's "touch" was written with you in mind. Of course, from a narrative standpoint, it's also a good way to show she's not as good as her mother. (Aisha's entire drive is to try to live up to her mother's legend). But let's just say I added the effect of it causing pleasure (instead of just numbing the senses) because I knew you'd appreciate that.

Ummu will remember what happened - there are no memory losses.

The jezail's blue energy projectiles don't cause any feeling - just numbness and then complete shutdown (the red ones are similar to bullets). Basically yes, short-circuit the nervous system, making the brain shutdown and cause unconsciousness. No pain, no emotion felt when hit, just numbness.

The scene with the maid was also a personal favorite of mine, but mostly for the joke beforehand. "She wasn’t used to be assaulted by a sexy dancer in fancy clothes..." Most people aren't.

The short guard was left with the servant because of her size indeed.If the story goes on, there's bound to be at least one time with two underwear-clad women shoved together in a tight space...

Rasha being a thrill-seeker who's sometimes gratuitous, shall I say, is an important part of her character, but also a convenient excuse to add more scenes.

[simon4242]

i trust your writing rufus im here for the duration .......

[Arc]

Hello everyone. First, I'll start with something a bit awkward. I usually don't directly ask for comments, but this upcoming story is a bit special - in that it's something akin to a pilot. Consider it a way to introduce to you the main characters, their dynamics, their conflicts, and the lore. Those of you who remember the previous Pakal story know this sort of saga features more exposition and non-uniform-stealing-related character development than usual, so that's why I'm wishing to know if you're interested in this story. It's not necessary to leave a long review if you're among those who prefer to read without commenting - just a quick "I'm interested" or "I'm not interested" will suffice. But please be honest. Writing this type of story takes more time, so I might as well only do it if it interests people. If not, there will always be other projects...

Now, I'm a bit late to the party (which actually turned out to be a good thing, because I was able to enjoy the story in it's entirety), but I still feel the need to leave a brief comment.

I have always been a great fan of Pakal, your magnus opus, and of course going back to that same world, seeing the new generation take charge, see what happened after its end is of course marvellous. The characters are charismatic and intriguing, the descriptions are top notch and the attention to details you have is something staggering, so this story definitely has everything that makes an US story memorable.

I personally love the world building and the slower stile of the narration, but I am sure that even readers who might not appreciate it as much would still be wooed by the great action scenes, so I wouldn’t worry in that regard.

Having always loved history, I can't help but comment on how special Pakal and Ghazan are and are going to be in that regard. The more or less clear correspondence between each Pakal nation and a specific historical period and nation allow us to enjoy scenes with, say, a Renaissance mercenary, a Mongol warrior or a Medieval Knight, something that, for obvious reasons, wouldn't be possible in a story set in our world. Just something I wanted to say.

Anyway, I was digressing. I don't have nothing else to say but good luck and godspeed on this new saga!

[rufusluciusivan]

Now, I'm a bit late to the party (which actually turned out to be a good thing, because I was able to enjoy the story in it's entirety), but I still feel the need to leave a brief comment.

I have always been a great fan of Pakal, your magnus opus, and of course going back to that same world, seeing the new generation take charge, see what happened after its end is of course marvellous. The characters are charismatic and intriguing, the descriptions are top notch and the attention to details you have is something staggering, so this story definitely has everything that makes an US story memorable.

I personally love the world building and the slower stile of the narration, but I am sure that even readers who might not appreciate it as much would still be wooed by the great action scenes, so I wouldn’t worry in that regard.

Having always loved history, I can't help but comment on how special Pakal and Ghazan are and are going to be in that regard. The more or less clear correspondence between each Pakal nation and a specific historical period and nation allow us to enjoy scenes with, say, a Renaissance mercenary, a Mongol warrior or a Medieval Knight, something that, for obvious reasons, wouldn't be possible in a story set in our world. Just something I wanted to say.

Anyway, I was digressing. I don't have nothing else to say but good luck and godspeed on this new saga!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I wasn't expecting people to keep up with the pace of these updates. It was mostly because I didn't have the time (and motivation) to post everything in one go that there were a couple of days in-between the various posts.

I'm happy to hear you feel that way about Pakal (and its sequel). This saga has always felt like a risky bet, because of the amount of exposition and development needed to build a coherent constructed world. Sometimes, I really felt I was stretching the rules of the Board when the proper USB-scenes were few and far between... Personally, I'd understand that people who just want to read a USB-tale without having to put up with mountains of lore and exposition would be turned off.

Though for me the main appeal of this saga USB- wise indeed is that it allows to feature women wearing clothes they would never have worn in our real world and history.

[meditions142]

I confess the detail of Aisha's "touch" was written with you in mind. Of course, from a narrative standpoint, it's also a good way to show she's not as good as her mother. (Aisha's entire drive is to try to live up to her mother's legend). But let's just say I added the effect of it causing pleasure (instead of just numbing the senses) because I knew you'd appreciate that.

The jezail's blue energy projectiles don't cause any feeling - just numbness and then complete shutdown (the red ones are similar to bullets). Basically yes, short-circuit the nervous system, making the brain shutdown and cause unconsciousness. No pain, no emotion felt when hit, just numbness.

Indeed I looking forward to seeing both of these things used in future stories.

Given that Aisha's power makes it so that the women it is used on are, as you say, "feeling such bliss that it was hard for them to refuse her suggestions". Here Aisha just made the guard not resist when she was injected with the knockout drug. It would be fun to see if Aisha might be able to use the power to actually make a woman do things for her.

And thanks for the explanation of the jexail's energy projectiles. Love the idea of a woman being hit, suddenly feeling numb and then her brain shuts down and she is out. Looking forward to seeing more of that too!