A Screwball

[rufusluciusivan]

Hello! I randomly got the idea for a short story after coming across this (non-Uniform Stealing related) picture.

https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/91725525

It’s quite short, and the narration is a bit different from what I usually write, but I hope you’ll enjoy it. Consider it something akin to an experiment.




A Screwball

**************

When you’ve been in the “superhero-ing” business for as long as me, you start to notice some patterns.

For instance, the bad guys regularly try to come together in a legion of doom, to carry on their dastardly plan of the moment.

These attempts ultimately always fail – whether because a local superhero thwart the entire operation or (my favorite) because these megalomaniacs are too dysfunctional and too full of themselves to work together for long without jumping at each others’ throats.

Still, in the meantime, their little gatherings can cause a lot of damage. Hence why superheroes, sidekicks, and other various do-gooders always want to try and crash the party.

You could say I’m part of the third category.

Name’s Mary-Jane Watson, pleased to meet you.

You most likely don’t know me personally, but you probably know one of my many MANY counterparts from alternate universes. (Don’t ask me to describe this whole Multiverse-thing. We don’t have the time, this is meant to be a short story.)

Officially, I’m part freelance photograph, part freelance artist designer, and part lazy bum living on my parents’ allowance. Some nights (and also some days when to think of it) I turn into a vigilante fighting for justice. Not Spider-Man’s sidekick – that would be the job of ‘Miss Perfect’ Gwen Stacy in this continuity. More like a work acquaintance of his. To my everlasting shame, he saved me more than once. At least, I also saved his tail a few times...

I suppose it’s the part where I describe myself? Young woman. (You better not ask my age!) Caucasian. White skin. A redhead. Chestnut brown eyes. A short layered pixie cut with nape undercut. In all modesty, my curves are pretty good-looking. Firm and round breasts and butt. Far from the supermodel-tier, but nothing to be ashamed of. I still wish they were bigger- Okay, perhaps too much information there?

Back on topic. As I said, I’m part of the “do-gooders” club. And, speak of the devil, it appears some of the big names among New York’s supervillains have planned a huge get-together, inviting all the city’s costumed crooks for a new project. And when I say big names, I mean BIG names. As in the Kingpin, the Green Goblin, Doc. Octopus... Or at least that’s what the rumor says. Checking if it’s actually true is one reason why I’d like to sneak into the party. Learning about the details of their operation is the second one. And, if I can, I’ll try to make it fail.

Now, you’re probably wondering how I intend to invite myself in their private gathering. Obviously, I didn’t receive a card...

The first step was to find the location of the bad guys’ get-together. Believe it or not, this one was quite easy. Thank God I live in the Internet era! It’s a piece of cake to find information, as long as you know where to look at… I don’t fancy myself an expert hacker, but I manage OK. After one quick trip in the dark web, I had everything I needed.

At this point, you may wonder why I didn’t just call the police. Simple. Since the Kingpin is maybe involved, it’s safer to not warn the authorities in advance. The guy has corrupt cops on his payroll everywhere. He’d receive word of my denunciation within the hour, and would relocate the entire operation. And, next thing you know, I’ll be suffering an unfortunate fatal accident… So it’s best to present the police with a fait accompli.

Once I had the address, the next step was to find a way to enter without being riddled with bullets, death rays, throwing knives, or whatever else supervillains use nowadays.

Luckily, I had a plan.

Enter Screwball, a D-list villainess of Spider-Man’s rogue gallery. The self-proclaimed “world's first live-blogging super-villain”.

She is extremely skilled in gymnastics, allowing her to free run across the city's rooftops without losing momentum. In an other life, she could have had a successful career as a gymnast. Too bad she is also a highly unstable and utterly narcissistic Internet personality willing to break the law so she can gain fame…

To be fair, as far as normal humans go, she’s actually pretty badass, I’ll give her that. It takes guts to do parkour on New York’s skyscrapers, and it takes talent to give Spider-Man a run for his money when it comes to acrobatics and high-speed chase across the buildings.

In fact, I could probably take Screwball more seriously if her villainess costume didn’t make her look like a mix between a cyclist and a bobsledder.

She’s usually clad in a white full-body jumpsuit and a white skating helmet with fuchsia ear protections and a large strap covering her temples and chin. Both the helmet and the jumpsuit are adorned with fuchsia stripes and her logo. She also wears white fingerless gloves, white running shoes with fuchsia soles, and opaque golden sunglasses.

The young woman herself is good-looking. I mean, if you like obnoxious attention-seeking Internet personalities... Soft flawless white skin. Athletic-looking body. Nice curves. According to the tabloids, she’s got blue eyes, dark blond hair which she usually dyes purple, and a short haircut with one lock of hair on each cheek. I think a good chunk of her 50 millions followers are young males...

For those who want to know why this subpar supervillainess plays a part in my plan, let me explain. First, she’s a young woman who shares a roughly similar body silhouette with me. Second, she’s light-skinned, like me. Third, her costume includes a full-covering jumpsuit, a helmet, and opaque sunglasses which conceal the eyes. Finally, did I mention I’m moderately good with a computer and she’s addicted to Internet fame? It was easy to pose as one of her fans with a fake account, and to trick her into going where I wanted her to be.

Like, say, an abandoned warehouse filled with empty crates.

Speaking of which...

**************

The attention-seeking loony arrives right on schedule. Hidden behind a bunch of crates, I observe her. I’m careful to not enter her line of sight – or her camera’s for that matter.

In my hand, there is my loyal “Night Stick” – a rubber truncheon very useful to make bad guys take a quick nap.

“Alright Screwball fans, it’s time to get this party started!” Screwball says, while recording everything with a camera on her helmet. “One of you subscribers sent me a parkour challenge, and I’m here to take it up. (Remember you can do the same if you buy a Premium Membership on my page.)”

I grimace. It did hurt me to pay so much money… I tell myself it’s for a good cause, but the pill is still hard to swallow.

“And remember to stay tuned. Because after that, I’ve prepared a surprise to all of you guys!”

She’s obviously talking about her invitation to the gathering of the latest legion of doom.

In hindsight, maybe I’m doing her a favour by mugging and impersonating her… There’s no way big shots like the Kingpin will take kindly to being live-streamed…

Screwball starts looking around in the warehouse. “So. Where is my challenger… Hopefully they’re not shy!”

Time to end the stream... I think to myself.

I’m careful to never be in Screwball’s line of sight – nor in her camera’s. I’m holding a small remote control, of which I press the button. The device releases a jamming signal.

Supervillains may have neat gadgets, but superheroes and sidekicks can get cool toys as well...

The result is instantaneous.

“Hey! What’s going on?” Screwball taps her helmet. “No signal? Now?! Come on!” she complains.

Her back is turned on me. I jump out of my hideout, and strike.

My loyal “Night Stick” doesn’t fail me once again. I aim a very specific part of Screwball’s neck, one unprotected by the helmet, right between the shoulder and neck.

Screwball grunts, and falls face down. Out like a light.

The webcast is over…

I quickly check her vitals, then I waste no time. I grab the young woman’s legs, and drag her in a corner of the warehouse. I then grab her waist, and make her roll onto her back.

In my backpack, I’m carrying a syringe filled with a powerful sedative. Now, I may live in a world where a tap on the head only cause an unplanned nap with no severe side-effects, but I prefer to not have a bad surprise when a baddie wakes up too early.

One little injection later (thank you, CPR classes), I’m certain the wannabe Internet celebrity will sleep for the next couple of hours.

Now, it’s stripping time.

First, I take off Screwball’s helmet and sunglasses, releasing the woman’s hair.

Looks like the tabloids got it right. A blue-eyed blonde, with a chin-long shaggy bob. Most of the hair are dyed purple, save for one curly lock of hair on each temple.

The gloves and shoes come off next.

Finally, I peel off the jumpsuit, and slip it off the blonde’s body and legs. Underneath, Screwball is wearing a white-and-fuchsia tank top – also adorned with her logo. I shrug, and take that garment off too.

Nice well-toned thighs and legs by the way...

I leave the D-list villainess clad in only her running socks, boyshorts, and sports bra. Screwball’s undergarments are comfortable, designed to not hinder her movements when she does acrobatics, but they also reflect her oversized ego. They share her outfit’s color patterns: white with bright fuchsia borders. There’s even her logo on the sides of her socks, on the boyshorts’ front, and on the right cup of her bra.

I roll my eyes.

Anyway. Time to make sure Screwball doesn’t screw up my operation. (Sorry about the pun…)

I open my backpack, and grab a roll of thick tape.

Of course, I also took zip-ties with me; but trust me, I have my reason to use tape first. Let me explain. Screwball has a pirate site on which you can buy her merchandise. (And yes, the Screwball-themed underwear are an article. Is it wrong to mention I bought a set? They’re hideous, but SO comfortable. Perfect for sport. But I digress…) Did you know there is also Screwball-themed tape? Bright fuchsia rolls with her logo. Crazy what you can buy nowadays…

I bet you now see where this is going.

I admit using Screwball’s merchandise against her is superfluous, but I couldn’t resist.

I unwind the tape, and wrap several layers around the young woman’s calves. Then I wrap even more layers around the thighs. Next, I grab a second roll, move the villainess into a seated position, and wrap tape around Screwball’s upper-arms to pin them against her torso. Finally, I move her wrists behind her back, and wrap tape to bind them together. I stick a few strips of tape over her lips, then wrap a few more layers around the lower face, just to be safe.

Of course, I’m aware tape isn’t the sturdiest material out there, so I grab some zip-ties, and wrap one around Screwball’s wrists and an other one around her ankles.

The package is now thoroughly secured… I leave her lying on her side for now.

Slipping into the other girl’s clothes is not the most pleasant experience. The tank top and jumpsuit are still a little warm, and I don’t like that feeling. At least it’s not too sweaty… The shoes, gloves and helmet are a decent fit, so that’s a start. And for the finishing touch, I add the sunglasses.

I take the time to look at myself in a pocket mirror. Perfect… The illusion works like a charm.

Screwball should hire me as a body double…

Speaking of Screwball…

I grab the bound-and-gagged woman under the arms, and drag her to an open crate. I drop Screwball inside, and put the lid on to conceal the crate’s content – though I don’t fully cover the crate, to make sure some air can still enter. I don’t really expect anyone to explore this building in the next couple of hours. However, an extra precaution never hurts... I don’t nail the lid though. That would be overkill.

I’ve programmed a phone to send a tip to the police in a few hours, so that they can come and collect the package. In the meantime, Screwball’s going to take a break as far as screens and streaming are concerned. It’ll be good for her health. Hopefully, a nice comfy cell bed will be waiting for her.

I check my watch. It’s time to leave.

I stop the jamming signal. Not that I necessarily want to put on a show in front of Screwball's audience, but I know they'd find it suspicious if their idol didn't try to resume her live.

I stretch, and speak aloud, impersonating Screwball’s voice: “Sorry for the interruption folks. Screwball is back online, and back on live. Next stop, bad guys gathering!”

[BlackLancelot12]

Nice one, super good premise! And very well written too.

Would NOT mind if you did a similar story featuring Black Cat ambushing and impersonating Silver Sable for instance XD

[tirepanted3]

Entertaining little story - I love the snappy, humorous first-person narration. The portrayal of Mary Jane here - quick-witted, a little vain, altruistic - seems very much in step with her persona in the comics.

Screwball is one of the most underrated Spider-Man villains, in my opinion - she's not particularly deep, but she's a lot of fun, and I wish she'd be given a bigger role in the comics. Her costume would also be a good disguise for any heroes keen on infiltrating a villainous gathering, due to her helmet and sunglasses obscuring most of her face. So a great concept for a story here.

I particularly like the way Mary Jane finds a way to replace Screwball while she's live-streaming - jamming the signal, then mugging and replacing her, then back online with none of her viewers the wiser.

I recall a character in one of Trackman's stories named "Uniform Stealing Bianca" who reminded me of Screwball - a daredevil live-streamer who has fun mugging women for their clothes. But it's interesting to see this sort of character have the tables turned on her and get mugged herself.

[esercito sconfitto]

delightful, absolutely delightful

and by the way, sure Mary Jane loves wrapping girls although she claims to the contrary

( and the provided illustration is inspiring but wrong, in the tale Screwball has been tied up after being stripped )





Her back is turned on me. I jump out of my hideout, and strike.

My loyal “Night Stick” doesn’t fail me once again. I aim a very specific part of Screwball’s neck, one unprotected by the helmet, right between the shoulder and neck.

Screwball grunts, and falls face down. Out like a light.

[rufusluciusivan]

blacklancelot12: I'm glad you liked it. While nothing is set in stone, I can't make any promise for a sequel though. I may have a few more ideas, but I admit I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to Spider-Man lore, I didn't even know about Silver Sable before you mentioned her for instance.

tirepanted: The snappy humorous narration was a bit of a "make-or-break". Such personality is either endearing and fun, or annoying and grating, so I'm glad I found the right tone.

This version of Mary-Jane being accurate to her persona in the comics is partly accidental, I confess. While I know the main lines of Spider-Man's lore, I confess I didn't read any comic. Hence why I chose the easy route of making it clear this Mary-Jane not the same one as in the canon comics. (Gotta love Spider Man's comics fondness for Multiverses. )

I discovered Screwball when I one day came across the fanart mentioned in the description in my pixiv recommendations, and then by looking at some let's plays of the PS4 videogame, and finally I looked at the few comics in which she appears to get her personality right. I immediately fell in love with her design - a perfect costume for a heroine to steal. Now I have done it justice. In hindsight, I almost regret the villainous gathering is a mere excuse plot to have this one-shot. Since the first-person narration is apparently pleasing, maybe I will one day try and write some sort of follow-up, if I have an idea, so that Mary Jane can have the occasion to put her disguise into action... and most likely steal a couple of other ones.

I didn't think twice about the whole 'replacing Screwball while she's live-streaming' - it was simply a logical consequence of the way the villainess was lured into the trap. However, now that you point it out, it's true this kind of scenario has something exciting in it.

I recall a character in one of Trackman's stories named "Uniform Stealing Bianca" who reminded me of Screwball - a daredevil live-streamer who has fun mugging women for their clothes. But it's interesting to see this sort of character have the tables turned on her and get mugged herself.

I can't believe I never realized the similarity (both being fame-addicted criminal live-streamers) until you pointed it out! Though only one person knows the answer to the questions... Trackman, if you see this comment, can you tell if Bianca was inspired by Screwball?

esercito sconfitto: Technically, she never said she doesn't like using tape. She just admits it's not the most practical way.

[simon4242]

in the amazing mary jane, screwball helped mary jane make a hollywood film and fight off the sinister six lol

[rufusluciusivan]

I didn't even know about this series. Obviously, this one-shot isn't in the same continuity.

I quickly looked at a few random pages of the series you mention. To be frank, I'm not a fan at all of Screwball's redesign there. I prefer her old more subdued design - like the one she has in the videogame - plus it makes her easier to be impersonated . However, holy cow, is it me or did Mary Jane also hire Mysterio for her movie?! That's awesome!

[tirepanted3]

I didn't think twice about the whole 'replacing Screwball while she's live-streaming' - it was simply a logical consequence of the way the villainess was lured into the trap. However, now that you point it out, it's true this kind of scenario has something exciting in it.

Yes, something quite daring about mugging and replacing a woman while millions of people are watching her. Also says something about Mary Jane's impersonation skills, since she's able to convincingly imitate Screwball's voice. Would be very cool to see something like this in the comics.

I discovered Screwball when I one day came across the fanart mentioned in the description in my pixiv recommendations, and then by looking at some let's plays of the PS4 videogame, and finally I looked at the few comics in which she appears to get her personality right. I immediately fell in love with her design - a perfect costume for a heroine to steal. Now I have done it justice. In hindsight, I almost regret the villainous gathering is a mere excuse plot to have this one-shot. Since the first-person narration is apparently pleasing, maybe I will one day try and write some sort of follow-up, if I have an idea, so that Mary Jane can have the occasion to put her disguise into action... and most likely steal a couple of other ones.

It really is a great costume for USB purposes, and I'm surprised I had not thought of that before reading your story. And indeed, a follow-up would be interesting. There are probably some other female villains in the Marvel universe whose costumes are worth stealing - they can't let Madame Masque have all the fun.

I'm also not a fan of Screwball's redesign in the newer comics, it's not quite as sleek or mysterious. But it's ironic to note that she has met Mary Jane and the two were on relatively good terms.

[rufusluciusivan]

These stories are a lot less time-consuming, so a follow-up is conceivable, provided I find some inspiration. (And do some research. I'm open to suggestions of obscure Marvel masked villainesses. I may have one in mind.)

Would be very cool to see something like this in the comics.

Well, if Lois Lane (THE damsel in distress of comics) stole an outfit once, maybe Mary-Jane will one day too. In the meantime, this Mary Jane will be known as Uniform Stealing Mary-Jane (US M-J. A true patriot at heart... )

[tirepanted3]

As a matter of fact, Mary Jane has already mugged a female villain for her costume once, in the mainstream comics.

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