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FUMERO’S DAY OUT
Sheriff Muldoon slowed his Buick to a crawl as he approached the city limit sign which insisted visitors ‘have a nice day’ as they leave Snaketit Gulch. The sign post also displayed Officer Fumero who was definitely not having a nice day, not even a slightly disagreeable day. In fact today was definitely the ultimate ‘bad hair day’ for Officer Fumero. She had been stripped of her uniform, handcuffed to an upright support of the city sign, gagged with a piece of cloth and left to contemplate the passing traffic which, in this part of the city, was fortunately infrequent. Muldoon brought his car to a halt and slowly emerged, to light the cigar which he had been chewing on for the past hour. He walked towards Officer Fumero and stopped a couple of yards away, the better to study her struggling form.
MMMMM….
‘You know, Fumero: this is becoming a habit with you. Don’t you like wearing police uniform? I’m sure Big Jake could find you a job as a stripper if you asked nicely.’ Muldoon suggested, while he continued to run his eyes up and down Fumero’s body, pausing at the interesting bits.
MMMMMMM….
Sheriff Muldoon reached forward and gently unravelled the cloth which had been thrust into Fumero’s mouth. He shook it out and realised he was holding a pair of panties. He glanced down to confirm they did not belong to his colleague: they must belong to someone else then, he concluded. He produced a key for the cuffs and released Fumero’s wrists. ‘Well what happened this time?’
Fumero described how she was driving along when she noticed what appeared to be a body lying beside the road. She had stopped to investigate when someone got the drop on her and disarmed her. There were two perps – a man and a woman. They forced her to disrobe and left her handcuffed to the road sign before making off with her uniform and her cruiser. ‘Can you remember what they looked like?’ prompted the sheriff. ‘Sure’ and Fumero proceeded to give a detailed description of her two assailants. ‘Umm. Sounds like BJ and Low Score’ replied Muldoon. ‘I was called out to examine a vehicle which was abandoned a mile or so back along the track. I bet it was theirs. There was a bank job in Dunnyrush this morning. It had their signature all over it. BJ made one of the tellers take off her panties because she was too slow clearing her cash drawer. It’s a favourite trick of hers. The message soon gets around: as soon as BJ sticks a gun under your nose, you’d better move like greased lightning or you’ll lose your panties. Seems to work. That’s probably what you were chewing on when I arrived. Anyway, we’d better get back so you can write your report. Make sure it’s got plenty of detail in it.’
‘But I can’t come back in the car looking like this.’ protested Fumero. ‘You can walk back instead if you like’ the sheriff offered. Here, take this.’ He reached into the back of his vehicle and pulled out a coat which was just long enough to cover her butt but little else. ‘Gee, thanks’ said Fumero sarcastically as she studied the legs of her underwear protruding beneath the jacket. Muldoon chuckled ‘Just regard it as part of ‘on the job training’!’
No one was ever able to explain how ‘Scoop’ McNeal, ace reporter on The Snaketit Recorder just happened to be waiting outside the sheriff’s office with his camera at the very moment Fumero emerged from the sheriff’s car. The Recorder’s readers were absolutely delighted that he was, however.
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