Marching to Mishap ( text by Hencies-and-Hose, illustrations by unknown author )

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esercito sconfitto
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Marching to Mishap ( text by Hencies-and-Hose, illustrations by unknown author )

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Disclaimer; the dresses aren't stolen for disguise purpose


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During the three months that have passed since we reported on the disatrous march of the Skivvington Townswomen's Guild, which resulted in their ignominious defeat at the hands of the all-female Striphappie tribe, no swift end has been in sight for the plight of these unfortunate damels who still remain unhappily incarcerated in just their undergarments and stockings at the tribeswomen's camp. Despite their ill-advised march being viewed as an "invasion" of tribal lands, (as set out by the stipulations of the Fort Farthingale Peace Treaty), U.S. Government and military "innaction" and "intransigence" on the issue has led to disquiet spreading to other towns along the border with the reservation, and it has been rumoured that citizens were considering taking the matter into their own hands.

So it was that the ladies of nearby Scantyford recently gathered at their town's square, determined to free their Skivvington sisters. Their leader, a charismatic young lady named Lacey Netherly, addressed them and explained that it was prudent that they should not make the same mistake that the Skivvington ladies had during their previous march. She therefore insisted that they advance unarmed and in good order across the border in order to reason peacefully with the Striphappie. Once the assembled ladies had, (somewhat reluctantly), divested themselves of the makeshift weaponry they had gathered from their kitchens and garden sheds, they began their expedition. The only things that they took with them to hand being their parasols, given the fine nature of the weather.


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After three hours walking, (which proved rather arduous for them, given the hotness of the day, the terrain, the unsuitability of their dresses, their many layers of petticoats and the constricting nature of their corsetry), the forty-strong, female contingent finally stepped onto the reservation. They had no sooner done so, that they were approached by a solitary tribeswoman bearing a tomahawk.

Lacey Netherly stepped forward and took great pains to calmly explain the purpose of their visit. When the tribeswoman failed to respond, Miss Netherly correctly deduced that a linguistic failure of communication might be the reason. Therefore her explanations became more animated as she gesticuted somewhat wildly with the pointy end of her parasol in an effort to reinforce her words. The tribeswoman's response at first seemed encouraging as she smiled widely and nodded her head vigorously in approval. It was only when she had crossed the shaft of her tomahawk against that of Miss Netherly's parasol that the leader of the Scantyford ladies realised her mistake... Evidently her parasolic gesticulations had been most-unfortunately misconstrued as an invitation to single combat.


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Though Miss Netherly attempted to defend herself valiantly, her absence of any martial training and the inadequacy of her parasol as an effective weapon proved too much for her during the ensuing duel. In a matter of seconds she was disarmed and the air was filled with the blur of the tomahawk's blade along with copious shreds of fine fabric. Once the cloud of torn linen had fallen to the ground at her feet, Miss Netherly was at first relieved to observe that she was quite uninjured. However, this relief was tempered by shock when she saw that the tribeswoman's skillful tomahawk-twirling had eliminated both her dress and her petticoats, leaving her attired in only her hat, ankle-boots, undergarments and hosiery.

(It should be noted that "Lacey Netherly" was evidently well-named judging by the frilly and frivolous nature of her exposed camisole, corset, bloomers and stockings.)

As a result of the profound humiliation of being stripped to her unmentionables, Miss Netherly promptly swooned on the spot, whereupon her gleeful opponent began tugging off her boots as war-trophies while other members of the tribe arrived at the scene to celebrate her victory. Not wanting to meet the same fate as their unconsious leader, the other Scantyford ladies immediately tossed their parasols aside and hurriedly divested themselves of their dresses and boots in a show of surrender until they were clothed in only their underwear and stockings. With the ladies cowering and huddled together in fear and embarrasment, the Striphappie women eagerly exchanged their own native apparel and moccasins for the discarded dresses and footwear that now littered the field of conflict.


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Having effectively given their unconditional surrender to the tribeswomen, the scantily-dressed ladies of Scantyford were forcibly marched off to join the Skivvington Townswomen in confinement at the Striphappie camp. Miss Lacey Netherly once again led her followers but in a far different manner to that in which they had first entered the reservation... The unconscious and underdressed woman having been draped across the back of a donkey with her bloomered bottom pointing skyward. As the forlorn procession stumbled their way tearfully over the rough ground in their stockinged-feet, their Striphappie captors encouraged them along with an occasional poke or smack administered to their linen-clad rears courtesy of their own confiscated parasols.

The misfortune of the Scantyford Ladies may not have been in vain however. Though their incursion onto tribal land was viewed as "illegal", the authorities noted that, (unlike that of the Skivvington Townswomen), it had been made with "peaceful intent". This distinction, (no doubt coupled with the fact that this is an election year), persuaded the Government to enter into peace talks with the Striphappie in order to negotiate a ransom for the freeing of both sets of hostages. Today we are happy to report that an agreement to the crisis appears to have been reached and that the exchange of the prisoners, in return for substantial compensation for the tribe's inconvenience, is due to take place at the border tomorrow, on Friday the thirteenth.



( to be continued)
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